Hell is the Loneliest Number Transcript
SPOOKY INTRO MUSIC Spooky Hal: It’s time to send the little ones to dreamland, and set your radio’s dial to spooky. Bolt the doors, lock your windows, and steel yourself for mysterious suspense as we take you… beyond belief. Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle, the toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages and, oh yes, they see ghosts! Frank: Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men! Sadie: Unless evil’s carrying the martini tray darling. CLINK FX Spooky Hal: Join the Doyles as they walk beyond belief in tonight’s dark episode: Hell is the Loneliest Number. Our story begins high above Manhattan, in a luxurious penthouse suite in the famed plaza hotel, where Frank and Sadie make their home and their martinis, and ask the most bedevilling questions. Sadie: Frank darling, if you had to choose, would you choose me or liquor? Frank: Oh, that you would ask me such a bedevilling question! Possibly the worst question in the history of inquiry! And that includes the time when Archduke Ferdinand, in remarking about how lovely a day it was, asked his attach the terrible question ‘what could possibly go wrong’? Sadie: concerned You’re so shaken up darling. Frank: Ah, your question has tried my very soul. Sadie: I was speaking to the martini. Frank: Well, as long as it does not answer back, advantage Frank. Now, speak no more love, I don’t grant your premise. Sadie: Whatever shall I do instead of speak? Frank: I have some ideas. CLINK FX Frank: Sadie … DOOR KNOCK FX Frank: Sadie, did you eventually hear a door knocking noise? Sadie: Yes, but who could it be at this hour? Everyone we know is here. Frank: Ready yourself my dear, ready yourself for a door opening noise. laughing Sadie: Oh. Frank: Very quiet door. DOOR OPENING FX cheering Frank: The ghost of door openings past. Christmas has come early. Now see here! You have a lot of crust coming by uninvited! Why I have half a mind to leave you standing out in the hall, knocking, until it falls off! The door or your hand. Or the hall I suppose. Carter: Dreadfully sorry, I’ll just leave you alone then. Frank: See that you do, and take that bottle of expensive single malt scotch with you. Sadie: Frank! Listen to the content of your admonition. Frank: ‘take that bottle of expensive single malt’ … Hey wait a moment! Don’t give up that easily old man! Come in, have a drink with us! Carter: All right, thank you very much. Frank: Sadie, look who it is! Carter: Hello there Frank: the top of him A person! Carter: Hello there Mrs Doyle, lovely to see you again. Sadie: Oh, why Frank, it’s Carter Cauldwell! Frank: Say, do we know a Carter Cauldwell? Sadie: He’s a famed publisher, and like us a fixture on the society pages. Carter: And if he is forced by circumstance to drop by unexpectedly, he never does so empty handed. I assure you I did attempt to call first, but your phone seems to be, ah yes here it is, off of the hook. Sadie: Oh, poor little fellow, let me just put him back where he belongs. There you are darling, Sadie has returned your dignity. Frank: Ah, I wondered why ‘beep beep beep’ kept calling. Sadie: Another mystery solved by Frank and Sadie Doyle. CLINK FX Sadie: Now, what brings you by on this fine Wednesday afternoon Mr Cauldwell? Carter: Wednesday afternoon? It’s Friday morning Mrs Doyle! Sadie: If you say so. Frank: Another mystery solved by us. Sadie: Clink! CLINK FX Frank: Oh, how very rude of us! Have some, person who’s alliterative name it’s forgotten due to not attempting to remember it! Carter: Carter Cauldwell. Frank: Could be! DRINK POURING FX Cater: Thank you. Sadie: A toast, Frankenstien? Frank: Yes Sadistic, to our friend … uh, dropping by to bring us a fine scotch without asking anything at all in return! Carter: Actually - Frank: annoyed Do not interrupt the toast! Sadie: Never interrupt the toast. Frank: Do not make me take that glass away from you. Sadie: He will too, and he’ll drink it all down just to prove a point. Frank: Well, not just to prove a point. Sadie: Well, cheers for dropping in Mr Cauldwell, and if there’s nothing we can do for you. silence Frank: Cat got your tongue old sport? Carter: Oh, I didn’t want to interrupt the toast. Frank: Toast? We were just making conversation! Wake up your manners won’t you! Carter: Oh yes, I see, very well, ahem, it seems my friend has become rather, whispers possessed. music Frank: You don’t say? Carter: And I was wondering if I might impose upon you for an whispers exorcism. music Frank: No problem at all, just ah, have a seat and we’ll begin. Carter: What’s that now? Sadie: There’s nothing about which to be embarrassed darling, it happens all the time. We’ll have that pesky “demon” out of your “friend” in no time. Carter: No, I see, I really do have a friend who’s come down with a case of whispers being possessed. His name is Delance. Frank: Well, that sounds made up. Oh! Is it your imaginary friend who’s possessed? Sadie: Oh, have him sit down and we’ll begin. Frank: Yes, is he already sitting down? Carter: No no no, Delance is not imaginary, he’s my most stalwart acquaintance. Frank and Sadie, together: Oh. Carter: I’m sorry, it’s just that I know that if the situation were reverse, he’d be here, hat in hand, asking if you wouldn’t help me. I don’t know what I’d do without him frankly. Sadie: Shall we go and help him frankly? Frank: Are there more bottles like this where we’re going? Carter: No small number. Frank: Then let us go and help … Frankly! Sadie: Ready yourself my darling dear, for the noise of us walking, leaving, utilising an elevator, and exiting via revolving door. Frank: Give me just a moment. WALKING FX silence Sadie: Very close! Frank: Yes. Sadie: Very close! Frank: I detected a slight revolution. REVOLVING DOOR FX Sadie: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll do that in post, as it’s said. Now, back to the portion of the show where our heroes make their way and drink. Frank and Sadie, together: Taxi! CAR FX Carter: Oh, actually, I have a car. Frank and Sadie, together: Never mind! CAR FX Carter: I could have sworn I parked it right here. Where has it gone? Frank and Sadie, together: Taxi! CAR FX Carter: Oh, here it is. Frank and Sadie, together: Never mind! CAR FX Carter: Isn’t she a beauty? Frank: It would be indecent to sit in it. Sadie: Shall I call another taxi cab? You know how I adore compound words. Carter: It’s just a car, a very expensive car. Get in. CAR DOORS FX CAR FX Carter: And here we are! Why that’s strange, when I left there was no priest sitting patiently outside. Father Timothy: My children, I was home in my house, doing nought but toasting some ordinary secular bread for my breakfast meal, when I felt the presence of God, stronger than usual, and God spake unto me ‘Lo, put that butter back in the fridge there Father Timothy, you’ve got work to do, and that shall be your sustenance!’. And in his wisdom, he guided me to this place. Frank: Ah, just a moment. God made you forego your breakfast in order to get you here lickety split, and then made you wait outside? Father Timothy: And lo, this door was locked! Frank: But assuming you’ve been here longer than two minutes, you could have had your toast. Sadie: Perhaps God’s have a bit of fun? Father Timothy: I suspect it is an unrelated test, one I have passed by his grace. Sadie: If you passed it by his grace rather than your own that seems tantamount to cheating. Frank: Mm. No shame in that. Sadie: Amen. However, boasting isn’t unshameful. Father Timothy: smug I wasn’t boasting though. Sadie: Is pride still a sin? Father Timothy: longer smug I wasn’t boasting. Frank: I believe pride is a sin darling, one of the top ten, correct me if I’m wrong. Sadie: Which one’s your favourite? Frank: Oh, the one about being intoxicated! Father Timothy: There’s nothing sinful about being intoxicated. Frank: I’ll say. CLINK FX Sadie: Oh, speaking of which, shall we go inside and see about this possession. Father Timothy: Yea, the possession therin! Frank: Well, I assume Sadie was talking about how this man possesses many bottle of superlative scotch. Sadie: Guilty! But there is also a whispers possessed voice gentlemen inside. Frank: Upon whom we have dibs I’m afraid. Father Timothy: But god in his divine self did guide me here. Frank: Well … then you have at the fellow, and we’ll have at the scotch. DOOR OPENING FX music Delance: noises Father Timothy: Oh, poor soul, poor, poor soul! Frank: I’m pouring, I’m pouring! DRINKS FX Carter: That’s him father, that’s Delance! Can you help him? Father Timothy: I am merely a vessel for god’s love, which can help this man with whom you are united in friendship. Carter: Friendship of the truest sort. Father Timothy: You know friend, true friend-man, perhaps tis the, uh, betterment if you, uh, weren’t present. Carter: I’m not going anywhere! Father Timothy: Oh, but the demon inside this man is dangerous! Delance: possessed noise Carter: Now I’m certainly not going anywhere. This man is a most favourite companion, I dearly love … the times we’ve spent together. Father Timothy: Fair enough, I get it, you’re staying. Frank: We also are staying. Sadie: We love the times we spent with this booze. Frank: And I love you back Sadie love. Sadie: Frank darling, you’ve confused your text with your subtext. Has that ever happened to you Caldwell? Carter: I’m not certain I take your meaning. Sadie: I’m not certain you’re not certain. Wink! CLINK FX music Father Timothy: Now holy spirit! Let the demon be loosed from this man! The power off Christ compels you! Delance: noises Father Timothy: The power of Christ compels you I say! Let thy true nature be exposed! Delance: I’m sorry, the demon you’re trying to reach is unavailable. Would you care to leave a message? Father Timothy: Take me in his stead foul demon, come into me damn you! Sadie: Boo! Frank: Yes, boo! The opposite on encore. Carter: What are you doing? Sadie: The same as we do at every dinner theatre. Frank: Yeah, we ought to just stop attending, for we hate few things more than amateur theatrics. Father Timothy: What? Sadie: Have you ever exorcised anyone before? Father Timothy: Oh, nigh constantly, I am a tool of the Lord. Frank: Well, you’re half right. Father Timothy: You know what, come to think of it, I’ll tell you why it most likely isn’t working – Carter: distressed It’s not working? Delance: Oooh, I’m so evil! I totally wouldn’t say no to murder. Father Timothy: No, it most certainly is not working. I’m unable to concentrate and channel his almighty powers. Delance: You’re, like, distracted. Father Timothy: Yes! I am demon, you are absolutely correct, I am distracted! I’m distracted by the state of the church’s rectory. Tis is foul disrepair and tis all I can think about. Sadie: Tis it? Father Timothy: Tis, mmhmm. Tis an earthly distraction that it, you see it limits my abilities to grapple on the elevated plains. Frank: And if you could only repair the rectory, you could beat the living hell from out of this gentleman? Father Timothy: I do believe so, it’s the only thing I can think of. Sadie: Yes, and what would that cost pray tell? Father Timothy: Oh money, money, oh so much money. Carter: Why that is roughly the amount of money I have! Frank: Sure it is, mark. Carter: My name’s not Mark. Frank: And yet. Carter: Tell you what Father, consider that rectory repaired! Father Timothy: Woo, alright, unfettered by worldly concerns any longer I know I shall defeat the beast. throat Almighty host! Lord of all creation, who gave to your holy apostle the power to trap the serpent and scorpions, grant me – Delance: noises Father Timothy: - pardon for all my sins! Delance: Argh, stop, man! Father Timothy: And the power to confront this cruel demon! Delance: laughs Father Timothy: You know what? I’m sadly still concerned with one other earthly concern. Frank: How much does it cost? Father Timothy: Just ah … a couple of grand more. Sadie: What is it? Multi-purpose room? Or heated baptism Jacuzzi? Father Timothy: T’would be nice, but alas it’s braille bibles for the blind. Frank: admiringly Nice. Carter: Consider them bought and purchased! Father Timothy: Oh, well, I may as well address the need for the deaf friendly service? Translating homilies into sign language isn’t cheap! Carter: Hmm, I’m dithering. Delance: Stabbing anyone? It’s great! Carter: Please, please, my strong acquaintance! Hold on Delance! I’ll pay whatever you ask, just help him! Frank: I’ll tell you what Mark. Carter: Carter! Frank: We’ll exorcise your pal, and we’ll do it for five clams less than this fellow charges. Carter: He’s not charging, he’s concerned about his parish! Frank: What do you say, knock five bucks off his price and we’ll do the job. And we’ll do it in a less holier than thou way. Sadie: Yes, we shall merely be holier than him. Frank: And drunker than thou. And him. Sadie: Speaking of which, this bottle is exorcised of spirits. Carter: Of course, let me fetch another. Sadie: With that attitude, I believe we can do this one for free! Father Timothy: You make a mistake sir, these are heathens and charlatans! Frank: Pot, meet kettle. Sadie: How black we all are. Frank: And yet said area is one in which we do not flim flam. Sadie: Yes we do. Frank: Okay, sometimes we do. Father Timothy: They speak lies, oh foul delament, the serpents are most definitely about. Delance: possessed noises Sadie: Let’s see just how possessed you are Delance. Open up and say ‘ah’. Frank: Or ‘ah’m a liar’ as the case may be. Delance: Be. Cool. You dudes. Sadie: Bobo! Frank look, it’s Bobo Brubaker! music Frank: Why you’re not a Delance at all! Sadie: But don’t worry, your name’s equally silly. In league with a phony priest are we Bobo? What an adorable little swindle you have going. Bobo: Stop you two, I got that rich guy to be bosom-tight buddies with me, and he’s going to pay through his nose to save my skin. And his nose is huge, if you catch my drift, but you’re totally wrecking it. Sadie: It’s already wrecked I’m afraid. Frank: As are we! Sadie: Now what say you get out of here before we sober up enough to get angry at you for attempting to con our friend Carter Cauldwell. Frank: Sade, do we know a Carter Cauldwell? Carter: Here I am, with fresh drinks! Frank: Ah, our old pal Kirby Cavenaugh! Sadie: We’re just finishing up darling. Frank: Oh, here’s your special friend, unpossessed. Bobo: No, no, they’re wrong! Only a priest, well paid priest, can oust the demon! I’m still totally possessed! Oh, it’s so grody. Sadie: scoffs You are not possessed Bobo. Carter: Bobo? Why do you call him that? Frank: Ah, you might want to pour one of those for yourself old man. Sadie: After you pour us two of those old man. Frank: I’m afraid your friend was never truly possessed. Sadie: Nor never truly Delance. Frank: Meet con man and swine Bobo Brubaker. Carter: I’m afraid you are confused. This is Delance, Delance Façade. pause Oh my, I have been deceived, haven’t I? Bobo: Dude, I … Carter: No, do not speak, how could you Delance, or Bobo, or whatever you call yourself. You and I, we engaged in a host of activities. I considered our friendship firm. I told people up I told people you were a stand up fellow, a real man’s man! Bobo: Man, listen, I – Carter: No, you listen! After everything, it was naught but lies! Bobo: No, no, it wasn’t though man, it might have started out that way but like you totally grew on me. You’re like it man, the living end. We did all those, you know, activities. I thought you were a real pal, and I told people that you were a stand up guy too, a man’s man too! Carter: I don’t know whether to let myself believe you or not. Bobo: Believe it man, it’s from the hip. Carter: I presume you mean heart! How much do you need, dear Delance? Bobo: No, I can’t take your money, it wouldn’t be right. Carter: We’re men, just name a figure! Frank: Ah, before you go signing that cheque – Sadie: What’s this man’s name Bobo? Bobo: What? Sadie: This benefactor. Bobo: You mean this guy? Sadie: Yes. Bobo: My pal? Sadie: Yes, that’s who I mean. Bobo: This fellow right here? Sadie: Yes, the person about whom we have established we are speaking several times over, what is the name of him? Bobo: Oh, come on, I just called him by his name! Sadie: You haven’t. Bobo: But I know it. Sadie: Sure you do. Bobo: Of course I know it, this is good old, uh … Frank: whispers Mark. Bobo: Mark! Mark, see! So how about that cheque Mark? Carter: Get! Out! Bobo: Jeez Mark, testy. Carter: My name is not Mark, Delance! Bobo: Oh yeah? Well my name ain’t Delance! Tre not cool. Carter: Get out of my house and do not bother going to my country club either. Bobo: So. Tre. Not. Cool. Come on Coco! Father Timothy: Bye guys. DOOR FX Carter: All I wanted was a strong companion. Sadie: Then allow me to introduce you to my friend, Glen. Mr Livett, this is Mr Cauldwell. Frank: Must run, Mark, Glen, feel free to drop by any time. Frank and Sadie, together: Taxi! CAR FX Cabbie: Not youse two again. Sadie: Take us to the plaza won’t you? Cabbie: Aw, you betcha. Heck, I’m happy for the company. I’ve been so lonely. music Carter: Mm, I know precisely how you feel. Cabbie: Yeah? Carter: Yes, it’s a lonely life. Cabbie: You’re telling me. Carter: I know it only too well. Cabbie: Well, I’ll be darned if we ain’t a pair of two kindred spirits then. Carter: Yes, I’ll be darned. Cabbie: Me too. Frank: Plaza hotel, she said. Cabbie: You got it chief! CAR FX Carter: Wait! SPOOKY OUTRO MUSIC Spooky Hal: It seems Frank and Sadie had not trouble exorcising those spirits, making poor Bobo’s head spin. Credit This transcript was originally posted here by mariusperkins. Reposted with permission. Category:Transcripts